Sakshi Daral

A lot is happening around us, and more recently in the Middle East. Over the past month or so, I have felt triggered, angry and even confused as the conflict has grown. I thought of the law of Esho-Funi as I tried to understand my feelings towards the ongoing conflict.

Esho-Funi, a Japanese term that translates into two, but not two, has been my go-to toolkit in any interpersonal conflict. It signifies that we are connected to our environment and reflect each other. When we change, our environment changes as well. 

I’ve applied Esho-Funi whenever I’ve experienced a conflicting situation, be it with co-workers, families or neighbours. 

So here is a breakdown of what I have learnt about Esho-Funi in my life and how it can help resolve conflicts at the larger level.

Why do we get into conflict with others?

We feel the most connected to our families and friends and share similar values and interests. The familiarity with another person brings us closer to them in bonds of friendship as we mirror each other.

In the same way, we also attract people with whom we share similar internal issues – anger, pain, loss, insecurity, fear, greed and so on. So when our inner suffering comes across a familiar screenshot in another person, the attraction is instant. The attraction between two negative energies results into an argument or fight.

The same manifests into a war between groups or countries if we aggregate these tendencies to a global level.

Why is it difficult to break through the negative attraction?

Here are a few reasons for it

• We (mostly our egos) are oblivious to our flaws and refuse to believe we carry a truckload of unresolved negative issues.
• In the moment of conflict, our inner pain (reaction) is so intense that we are incapable of seeing the mirroring effect in others.
• We don’t own the responsibility for our inner pain and instead blame others for the situation as it feels safe.
• We can’t break the cycle of negative patterns, irrespective of how much we try.

Whenever I have felt anger or resentment towards others, my most common reaction has been to complain or avoid the person. In my low-life condition, the other person appears to be the reason for the problems. I find it most difficult to accept that I reflect the same issues I see in them.

So, how can we break this cycle of negative patterns?

Apply Esho-Funi in a conflict

In the midst of a conflict – professional, personal or global, the realization of the interconnectedness of our life with our environment is the Aha moment. The key is that we have a role in the conflict and the power to resolve it.

What do I do when I am in the midst of a conflict?

• I imagine that I am looking at myself in the mirror. 
• I try to identify and understand my internal triggers and make an effort to resolve them. I focus on my response instead of the behaviour of the other.
• I try to focus on one good quality about the other person and hold on to it.
• I assume by default that the other person is struggling with some aspect of their life. There is a high chance that they are oblivious to their inner issues or are in denial.
• At times, I discuss it with a friend or trusted confidant. In modern times, we call it therapy or mediation by a 3rd party. 

Easy said than done! These are all strategies of the head. But combined with regular meditative or spiritual practice, it brings me into a state of life where I am able to apply them effectively in my daily life.

Why is Esho-Funi a guaranteed way to resolve a conflict?

A simple reason is that it brings the power back to ourselves. It shows us that we have the means to influence our environment instead of being at its mercy. By healing our own inner issues, we are able to respond to any trigger with warmth, compassion and wisdom. In a way, the outside environment loses the capacity to trigger us. 

Whenever I have found myself in conflict with another person, Esho-Funi has helped me transform that conflict into a strong friendship or a healing experience – every single time. 

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The key to the breakthrough in any conflict is the inner change or transformation in one individual at a time. As we heal ourselves from the core, we gain the courage to listen to others and understand their point of view. Dialogue is effective when at least one person is willing to listen and understand. We need to be that person first.

I sat down to think of the ongoing conflict and what I could possibly say to the folks in Israel and Palestine. These words came to mind.

Why fire, while we pray for the rains,
Why yell, silence will heal our pains.
Oh dear, the flame I see in you,
Reflects my heartache.
Only now I am awake.

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