Sakshi Daral

This post is not about the 2016 rom-com starring the Mother of Dragons. It is about taking control of our lives instead of letting our environment control our happiness. The title struck me as the perfect way to express the intent.

Since the start of this year, I have observed a theme emerging in my environment – deteriorating interpersonal relationships. A few people around me have experienced their relations, work or personal, gone sour or worse. I have heard people express their discontent with ‘he said, she said, but only if he/she could, would, should.’

The underlying reason for interpersonal disharmony is when we look for the causes of our happiness outside. However, many philosophies around the world focus on making our inner lives the centre point. A quote by Nichiren Daishonin, the thirteenth-century Buddhist monk, goes:

Hell and the Buddha, both exist in our five-foot body.

Nichiren Daishonin

What this suggests is that the source of discontent and happiness lies within our own lives and not outside. Hence, the answers to our interpersonal issues also lie within us.

So if you’re going through conflict in any area of your life, Me Before You can help you transform the situation for the better.

Believe in the potential of a harmonious connection

We need to believe in the possibility of improving our relations, especially with the people with whom we share a personal or professional space. Making a strong determination is half the way.

It is easy to escape or throw our issues under the rug so we can deal with them later. However, the problems will haunt us repeatedly until we nip them in the bud.

Accept they trigger something in me

The cause of disharmony is not outside but an unresolved issue within ourselves. We all carry past baggage, childhood trauma or problems that accumulate over time into a tank of gasoline. With the presence of the right person or circumstance that acts as the ignition spark, our inner fuel tank catches fire. We keep blaming the ignition spark while we carry the fuel all this time.

Me how can I change

The most effective way to douse the fire in our relations is to empty our fuel tank. If there were no fuel, then no spark could ignite us.

We can start with finding the unresolved causes within – anger, insecurity, hate, and lack of trust. It may take time and a decent amount of self-awareness, so in the meantime, we can learn to respond and not react. Easier said than done, huh?

Small gestures go a long way – a smile, a thank you, and a greeting are a good start. A fire can be doused by water, not by fire. So let’s flow like water irrespective of the sparks or volcanoes thrown by the other.

Listen to the other’s hidden needs

We usually attract people and circumstances that mirror our energy. We share our good qualities and issues with the people around us. So in a conflict, we are not just dealing with another person’s issues but also a reflection of our own. When we understand this, we can find the capacity within us to be a little bit more considerate and patient.

Almost every time I have gone through a conflict, I have realized that I and the other person share the same underlying issues that we have to resolve. By understanding their hidden needs, I am able to identify mine and be compassionate to myself and them.

You engage in a dialogue

Once we’ve doused our burning fuel tank, then our dialogue with the other person becomes much more effective. We’re able to calmly and respectfully share our challenges with them. We can also have an effective conversation about our expectations of them. They are more receptive to what we say and willing to change.

I have seen this happen every single time. When we change, it is reflected in the behaviour and actions of the other.

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If you’re going through some conflict in your personal or professional life, try these steps out. In my experience, the connections that cause us discomfort are the ones with the most potential to be harmonious and constructive.

Here’s a summary of Me Before You and how it compares with its more prevalent evil twin.

Me Before You	You Before Me
Believe in the potential of a harmonious connection	Doubt and cynicism that things will never change
Awareness of the fuel tank within	Oblivious of our fuel tank and focused on the ignition spark
Me – Respond and I change first	You – React and You change first
Listen – What are your needs?	Talk – Let’s argue!
You – My expectations of you	Me – I am the victim

The secret sauce to making Me Before You work effectively is to develop our SQ – Spiritual Quotient. Spiritual Quotient goes beyond Intelligence and Emotional Quotient and helps build a conducive environment for Me Before You to be effective. More to come on this later.

For now, I want to leave you with this beautiful quote from the thirteenth-century poet Rumi.

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. 

Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

Rumi

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Please note: If you’re dealing with a case of abuse then please seek professional help. The views in this article are based on my personal experiences and do not represent any form of professional advice.